i hate that-

i hate how it hurts to both be alone and meet new people. 

i hate how i love to live alone because it's the safe space bubble i created, comfortable, calm and stuff like that.

i hate how i loved being alone because it's safe and sound, or because there's no one would come and break your heart.

i hate how i loved the way i kept telling myself, "i could live alone, without anyone to rely on, i'm independent, you see."

i hate how i loved being alone yet felt lonely because by loving to be alone, your mind are supposed to be ready to be lonely.

and i hate how people thought i love being alone because i hate people because no, i would love to meet new people.

but yet.

i hate meeting new people for it hurts to not belong in the group, as the new people always have their established circles.

i hate how i would love to meet new people but my anxiety keeps on telling me to stay back, because she said no one would like me.

i hate how my anxiety keeps me in check rather than the person in front of me, because i know they're not staring but my anxiety keeps on telling me that i had my posture wrong and it's weird and people are going to hate me for that.

i hate this side of me.

i hate this anxious side of me because it stopped me from doing a lot of things.

and i really hate that it hurts

to both be alone and meet new people.